What Happens When We Really Listen to Children?

As parents, we spend a lot of time talking to our children. We explain, reassure, teach, answer endless questions and remind them to put their shoes on for what feels like the fifteenth time. But amongst all that talking, how often do we stop and think about all the ways our children are communicating with us?

When we talk about giving children a "voice", it can sound like something that only applies once children are old enough to confidently tell us what they think, want or need. In reality, children have a voice long before they have the words to express it. A baby turning their head away, a toddler reaching up to be held, a child pushing away their spoon when they've had enough, or a three-year-old informing you with absolute certainty that the cardboard box in the living room is actually a rocket are all forms of communication.

When we notice these moments, respond to them and show children that what they communicate matters, we help to shape something much bigger: their understanding of themselves and their place in the world.

Listening doesn't mean saying yes to everything

Listening to children doesn't mean handing over all the decision-making or allowing them to dictate what happens. Children need adults to provide boundaries, make decisions and keep them safe. Instead, listening is about showing them that we hear what they are communicating and that what they think and feel matters, even when the answer can't be yes.

Your toddler, for example, may not want to hold your hand beside a busy road, but that isn't a choice we can safely give them. There is, however, a difference between simply overriding their protest and acknowledging it: "I know you don't want to hold my hand. You really want to walk by yourself, but there are lots of cars here so I need to keep you safe. You can walk by yourself again when we get to the park."

The boundary hasn't changed, but the child's experience of it has. Their feelings have been noticed and acknowledged, while the adult has remained confidently responsible for keeping them safe.

Sometimes, try not knowing the answer

Children ask a lot of questions and, naturally, our instinct is usually to answer them. Sometimes, though, there can be enormous value in resisting the temptation to immediately provide the answer and instead becoming curious alongside them.

Imagine your child spots a worm wriggling across the garden. Instead of explaining where it's going, you might ask, "Hmm... where do you think it's going?" Perhaps your child thinks it's going home, which could lead you to wonder where its home might be. They decide it's probably underneath the flowers, so together you go and investigate whether there are any more worms there.

Suddenly, a tiny everyday moment has become an investigation.

In Early Years education, we sometimes describe this kind of interaction as sustained shared thinking. Despite the slightly academic-sounding name, it's something families naturally do all the time. The important word is shared: the adult isn't testing the child or searching for the correct answer, but thinking and wondering alongside them, with both adult and child contributing to where the conversation goes.

These conversations give children opportunities to think, predict, question, problem-solve and explain their ideas. Perhaps most importantly, they discover that adults are genuinely interested in what they think. We don't always have to position ourselves as the expert; sometimes there is far more learning to be found in simply being curious together.

Children's bodies communicate, too

Listening also means looking, because children's voices extend far beyond spoken language. Before a child can explain, "I'm feeling overwhelmed and I'd like some space," they might turn away, hide their face or move away from us. They may hold their arms up when they want comfort, push something away when they've had enough or become unusually quiet when something doesn't feel right.

Behaviour, facial expressions, gestures and movement can all communicate something. That doesn't mean we will always interpret those signals correctly, and children certainly aren't puzzles for us to solve perfectly. Instead, we can approach what we notice with curiosity: "You moved away when I tried to help. Would you like to try by yourself?" or "You're covering your ears. Is it feeling a bit noisy in here?"

We might also notice when a child doesn't want physical affection and respond accordingly: "You don't seem to want a cuddle at the moment. That's okay. I'm here if you want one." Through these everyday interactions, children gradually learn that people notice when they communicate and that what their bodies tell us has meaning.

What does this have to do with consent?

When we hear the word "consent", we might associate it with conversations for much older children, but its foundations can begin very early and through incredibly ordinary interactions.

Questions such as "Would you like a cuddle?", "Can I help you wipe your nose?" or "Would you like me to help, or would you like to try?" all give children opportunities to express a preference. Where there is genuinely a choice, allowing children to make it and, importantly, respecting their answer helps them learn that they can have preferences and boundaries. At the same time, they begin to understand that other people have boundaries too.

Of course, not everything can be optional. Teeth still need brushing, nappies need changing, seatbelts need fastening and hands sometimes need holding. When something has to happen, we can be clear about that while still treating children respectfully. We might say, "I can hear that you don't want your nappy changed because you were having fun playing. Your nappy is dirty, so I need to help you get clean and comfortable. Shall we take the car with us?"

Respecting children's voices doesn't mean children are always in charge. It means recognising the difference between the times when we genuinely can offer a choice and the times when, as adults, we need to make the decision, while still acknowledging how the child feels about it.

Bringing it into everyday family life

None of this means turning every interaction into a deep conversation. Sometimes everybody simply needs to get dressed and get out of the house! Instead, it's about noticing the small opportunities that are already hiding within everyday family life.

When your child asks a question, occasionally try responding with, "What do you think?" When they're deeply involved in play, resist the urge to show them the "right" way to do something and see where their own idea takes them. When they say no to affection, respect it where you can, and when their behaviour suddenly changes, become curious about what they might be communicating rather than focusing only on the behaviour itself.

There will also be plenty of occasions when you have to make a decision your child doesn't like. Acknowledging that they are allowed to feel unhappy, cross or disappointed about that decision doesn't weaken the boundary. In fact, it can help children experience boundaries as something held by an adult who is both confident and respectful.

None of this requires elaborate activities, special resources or hours of uninterrupted one-to-one time. It simply asks us, every now and again, to slow down enough to notice what children are already telling us.

The message beneath it all

Child voice, shared thinking and consent might initially sound like three separate ideas, but underneath them sits something very simple: respect.

When we listen to children's ideas, wonder alongside them and pay attention to what their words, faces, bodies and behaviour communicate, we show them that they are worth listening to. This doesn't teach children that they will always get their own way. Instead, it teaches them that they can have ideas, ask questions, express preferences, disagree and have boundaries, while gradually learning that other people can do all of those things too.

Perhaps some of the most important learning in childhood happens not when adults provide the answers, but when we give children the time and space to show us what they think.